kt831

It was a long week. I guess what week isn’t long. I think that everyone has this experience. I feel that my entire week is rolled into work that I have no time to be productive outside of work… besides that the lack of motivation. So today Joe is at work. I don’t like to be alone, I never have. I am better around people. I am going to start to learn how to use those times I am alone to be more productive… possibly starting with today. Joe and I got all of our thank you cards delivered… the amazing thing is that they don’t come already filled out (darn). So I am hoping I can get a jump start on that today. Throw in a run and a bike ride… I am hoping I can start to find some sort of a balancing act between a healthy lifestyle and the emotional rollercoaster I call work.

Everyday at work it is just 8 1/2 hours of one emotion to another. One focus to another focus. One resident to another resident.  I love my job and everything about it. I don’t know how good I am at managing yet. I am trying desperately have my employees work together to create what I envision. I just don’t know how it is coming together yet. To everyone else it is great… but to me there is still drastic room for improvement. I often wonder if I have it in me to eventually do this for all of the floors and all of the people. (I think way too much, this is why I am so drained at the end of the day). I have had to transition too of my residents out of my program and I did not like doing that. I also felt like I was giving the burden of care to someone else. Which I was. Not because I can’t handle them but rather because the program I am running no longer suits or fits their needs. In my head I feel like a failure about it. This is not the case and one day I will be able to meet their needs as well (or at least other residents in similar situations). On the brighter side I will put pictures up soon of the physical changes at work… it is almost done and it looks like Disney World.

So I embark on a quiet Saturday … no sun outside. I already slept in and loved it. Now it is time to get some work done. First a run to the gym… then back to tackle the world (or at least this little nook in Hamburg).

I started to write this blog so that I don’t miss any of the stories that make my day exciting and make me love my job so much. I also started it so that I don’t miss any of the details that add to my life. I didn’t think about the fact that I would be writing about the bad things as well. Today was one of those days that I don’t want to write about but at the same time I feel like I need to. I walked in yesterday morning to my office to have one of my aids telling me she needed my help. One of my residents was underneath her bed and would not come out. The night before the same resident was hiding in the closet when we went to get her for dinner. I went immediately to help my aid to find her clutching the bed and crying. She does not speak well so it is hard to understand what she is going through. What we did make out was that she did not want to live, she was trying to kill herself. I tried to give her a pillow and she threw it away. I was crying with her, sobbing over her, just wanting her to trust me and let me help her. She said that she trusted me but still would not let go. It took me 20 minutes to finally get her out from the bed. She wouldn’t open her eyes and kept yelling “it’s terrible it’s terrible, I can’t do it. ” My heart was breaking for her and I felt so badly for what she was going through. I didn’t know what to do. I gave her a hug got her to eat a muffin with my staff and went to my meeting. What pretty much happened was that the pyschiatrist decided she needed to be sent out to a pysch unit to have her meds readjusted. It was a long day of phone calls to the family to have them give us the go ahead to do this. They were battling with the decision but we pressed the issue that she would be safer there and she would not have the opportunity to attempt something to hurt herself. She could have easily have hung herself or had done something worst then what had happened.
To back track just a minute, this same woman also for two weeks has believed that her husband is dead. (He is not and lives in a different wing of the building). Any time she saw him she would go after him thinking that he was an impostor. The poor man spent hours in my office crying and sobbing just wanting to be with his wife and for her to know that he cares so much about her. Now today happens and I just couldn’t stand to think about it. But something amazing happened. While my resident was sitting in my office before she was going to leave for the psychiatric hospital we were talking. I was telling her that they were going to make her feel better and that everything was going to be okay. I told her that she could always pray to help her feel better. She then told me she did not remember how. I pictured myself getting fired right then and there, but I felt like I needed to pray with this woman… and she let me… and she was so grateful for it. In the next five minutes she asked to see her husband. Unbelievable!! I ran to get him saying that she wanted to say goodbye and he had to come with me. He jumped right up.

It was so surreal he walked in… hugging her and kissing her… telling her he thought of her everyday and loved her so much. (I was sobbing at this point… who wouldn’t be?) She was kissing him back and smiling. She hadn’t eaten in about a week and when I suggested that she have dinner with her husband she said yes. It was the best and most unreal ending to a horrible horrible day. Still the husband had his peace, I had mine, and the woman left the unit smiling and without aggitation. I guess this is why I do my job… because this situations I know are going to happen but I can handle them and I do want to make a difference in their lives and I think that I did. Still it is also these days that I just could not stop crying and thinking about the two of them and their lives together and where they are now. It just broke my heart.

So the weekend was a crazy one, but a fun one. For some reason Joe, Colleen, and I thought it would be a good idea to drive 14 hours to Nashville to run a 1/2 marathon and then come back the next day. We set up a bed in the back of Joe’s car so that those who weren’t driving could grab some sleep. Especially on the trip there we drove straight through the night. These things don’t happen that often and it was a blast. It was my aunts birthday the day of the race and she was the reason I got into the marathons. My mother and father walked the race. I was really proud of them. There was a lot of food and fun with the family. It was just difficult to get back to work on Monday.

Colleen after finishing!

Aunt J, Dad, and Mom crossing the finish line!

Mile Marker 13… point 1 to go.

The fun part of the trip was that Colleen and I snuck into the Dave Matthews concert. It just happened that there was a concert in Nashville about 10 minutes from where we were staying. So Saturday night we went to see if we could hear it outside and as a family was leaving we grabbed their ticket stubs and waltzed right in. I look Dave… but Colleen LOVES Dave. I felt like I got a sneak peak at a concert for free since I have never been before. It was great. The only bummer was that we couldn’t stay until the end because the next morning we were starting our trek home and we really needed to sleep. All in all it was a great trip.

Today at work we had our monthly dance therapist came in. I love her. She wears bright colored clothing and super high heels… (which I don’t wear period so definitely not to work). The residents love her! She knows all the old dance steps and gets them up and moving. Residents who normally don’t participate have so much run with her. I actually booked her to come every other week instead of once a month. I think it is very worth while for our program. So far it has been a good day. I get to leave early today and I need it. I have been here late the last two nights and I am getting burned out. Joe and I can actually have dinner tonight together.

The other neat thing that is going on here at work is that I have painters and construction workers doing physical changes to the environment. They are building a house pretty much insides. They are putting shingles (cedar shingles) to the walls… painting murals… and putting white pickets fences on the walls. The idea is to put sensory and things on the wall to help stimulate the dementia residents. I love how it looks.

The guys are working really hard. I am going to owe them big when they are done. Not only do they have no experience they are fantastic with the residents. So that is my day so far and it hasn’t been that bad. Hopefully I can keep myself in the mood to make it to the gym tonight before dinner.

I don’t know if this is what I meant when I set up this journal but it has definitely been an interesting day and I still have 3 hours left of work. I walked in this morning to one of my residents punching my staff member in the arm. On top of that one of my other resident keeps standing up and falling to the ground. It has been one of those days. Sometimes I feel like I am doing a good job and that I know what I am doing, other times it is just a long long day. I feel like I am getting burnt out here. Dementia is tough thing to be around all day long. But I LOVE them at the same time. They are so naive and that makes it all worth while to make it through the day. I just wish one day I would come to work and they would all be having a good day at the same time. The highlight of my day was when I took three of my women residents to lunch in a different dining room. It was hassle free and I know that they enjoyed it. Each day presents their own battles and blessings.

Every day life has too many good stories to lose them. I keep telling myself I am going to write a book one day. But I keep losing too many of those daily happenings because I don’t write them down. The dreams I have, the chaos of running a dementia unit, being newly married, and my hysterical family. I guess I am hoping that I can begin to document those peices of my life that make it stressful, fun, and memorable all at once.
My job alone gives so much opportunity to write a book. The people who are residents there and the mystery of the human brain and how it ages. I don’t want to forget those daily insights. I figure if I have this set up and I actually start to take a lunch break, I can begin to document and tell those stories. I have also been extremely stressed out and I think part of it is because I haven’t written in a long time. I used to write poetry all the time… mostly because my life wasn’t as good as it is now (it was more depressive and self-loathing). I still have things to write about though and I think it helps to justify our lives and how meaningful each day is. I truly believe we all need that, to be able to see the beauty in each day. Even if it is in the chaos of my confused residents spitting in my face or punching nurses. There is a naivety in those residents that I admire and feel a responsibility to protect them until the day they die.
So there is it… the long and short of it. I truly need to make some changes so that my life does not become a series of reoccurring events that don’t mean anything. They do mean something and I want to make sure to take some time each day to reflect on how those moments have effected and life a finger print on my life.  Today has been a good day so far. I went for a run with Colleen (my sister), I enjoy the time we spend together, even if it is venting about how our body is aching that day. We are running a 1/2 marathon on Saturday April 25th. It is her first marathon and I am excited for her to be part of this event. I have done 3 full marathons, and one 1/2 marathon. I enjoy the training and the feeling of accomplishment. I would like to start taking my running more seriously and have it become a total wellness. Since being married… (only 4 months) I have managed to gain 15 pounds… I am determined (starting today) to take this weight off. Back to today — I am meeting my best friend Michelle for a swim at the local ymca in a while. I need to make time to spend with her. She not only does not mind my venting and obsure thoughts but she welcomes it. Everyone needs someone like that in their life. I have already planned a nice supper tonight for Joe and I, I am looking forward to being with him later. I feel badly that he has to work so much. I take for granted having the weekends to recup and gain back some energy for the upcoming week. I guess this is part of the change I need to make, I want to put it to good use and make every day count. I too quickly shove days off as being a waste and do nothing with them. Today is not one of those days. Today is a good day. I am hoping for many more from this day forward.